I’ve struggled with committing to anything and everything for as long as I can remember. The fear of being stuck and even more the fear of committing to something or someone and then it falling apart or them leaving has caused me to to feel like it’s best to not let anyone in, It’s easier and saves me and there is probably something better up ahead.
As much as I’ve prayed and wanted to married, It has secretly terrified me 🤦🏻♀️ I’ve been alone and independent for what seems like forever that I’m pretty sure I’ll be a terrible wife. I see friends that seem so in love and are Christians, that love and serve the lord get divorced, so how on earth am I going to have a successful marriage?? I had prayed everyday for as long as I can remember for my future husband. For career success, for his walk with God, for his heart and soul, that he end any bad relationship or friendships, may he be happy and laugh often, may he loving and kind and all the things but I had neglected preparing myself .
But I love how God works and all of this is just a confirmation of his plan and his timing and just how amazing and awesome he is and what I’m writing may not even make since but this is me thinking kinda out loud. But I look back to all my posts and prayers and conversations with people and my extensive Pinterest “wedding” and “future married life” boards and can now see that if God had answered all those prayers I’d be another statistic. I don’t think if I’d gotten married before 25 like I had planned, I’d be happily married today at 30.
This year despite numerous attempts to move on to the next career step, God has not opened a door like he usually does. It has been so insanely frustrating for me after years of moving up and always having something new to do. After the last “no” though I had to take a step back and that’s when God started talking and showing me the lesson. Commitment. How can I be committed in a relationship if the moment I get bored I’m looking for something more exciting? The moment I get frustrated, I’m out? When I don’t feel appreciated or successful, I’m researching new opportunities? God has used the most important thing in my life which is my career as a whoa, slow down and listen season. Im learning to be committed to each individual season and the people in my life and know that God has amazing plans but I can’t rush them if I want to be successful and happy.
His timing is everything 😊